I can't believe a lot of things. I'm baffled by my life, and how much has happened, how much of it I took for granted and how much I just let slip by without enjoying it. I look back on my junior high days and realize just how amazing they really were, and what fabulous friends I had back then. I look back on the strangest, most random memories and wish I could go back to those times and relive them.
I look back on the days where my cousin and I were the best of friends, calling one another every day after work or school, hanging out every weekend. Or look back on the times I would enjoy time with her and her friends, where some of my best friends come from to this day. And how much I wish I could go back to those times where everything seemed to make a lot more sense.
I go back to the days where I was a complete anime freak, dressing up and going to every anime convention I heard of with people I don't even talk to anymore and friends I've lost along the way.
Or, looking back on the friends I continue to have to this day, and wondering how it is they've put up with me for so long... yet how I'm not really as close to them as I could be. Look back on our relationship, and how much I miss certain things about them, or wish I would have done something different to maybe make the relationship better... be someone more special to them as they are to me.
I look through old pictures of myself, and realize how much I've changed and wonder.. is it for the better or worse? Sometimes I feel like my life is a complete mess, and that everything I've done the past few years is a waste, that I could have done things so much better. Somehow, I could have worked harder to keep those friends from junior high that I was once so close with. Or maybe made more friends in high school. I look at my high school years, and wonder what the fuck I did those three years of my life. Wheres the proof I even went through it?
I've lost so many relationships, friendships, loved ones. But at the same time, I've gained a lot as well. I've gained a best friend, a boy friend, an amazing circle of friends.
Yet, I feel so lonely. So insignificant.
The thing is, most days I wake up and hate who I am. Most days I look at myself in the mirror and have no idea who the person staring back at me is.. A lot of days I just sit and wonder where I've gone, wonder why I've turned out this way, wonder if any one thinks I'm worth having around REALLY. Look at what I've gained and lost... and contemplate where I went wrong with those I no longer have in my life.
I remember all the times my best friend and I have had, and how we used to laugh. And I wonder where that changed, wonder where I changed to make that stop happening.
When did I turn into such a boring person? Why can't I keep people interested enough in me to actually want to continue to be my friend? Why don't people remember my name?
How come, when I get close to someone, they get bored of me really fast?
What can I do to change myself so that I'm someone people actually want to be around, the kind of person people want to party with, or just hang out with; Be the one to make people laugh again.
Where did all these insecurities come from?
I feel completely useless, like wasted space; I bring nothing to peoples lives.
But I remember the days when I used to. Time sure flies.